Mindful Life Changes: Weekly Affirmations For Midlife

51. How To Say No To People Without Feeling Guilty + Affirmation of Self-Worth

• Valerie Mekki • Episode 51

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Why is it so difficult to say no to people? Why do we feel guilty, even though deep down we don’t want to agree to what’s being asked of us? In this episode of the Mindful Life Changes podcast, join your host Valerie Mekki as she delves into why we struggle to refuse others and how to say yes to ourselves without feeling guilty.


 Valerie provides insights into why midlifers particularly wrestle with people-pleasing tendencies and offers helpful prompts on how to gracefully decline requests. Learn practical strategies to give yourself a 'graceful timeout,' allowing you the time and space to decide what you truly want to commit to. Plus, an empowering affirmation to shift your perspective of saying no and saying yes to you instead. Tune in to start your journey towards a more balanced and fulfilling life.

Formerly known as the "Mindful Career Change Podcast," I decided to broaden our conversation to cover all life transitions, not just our careers.

Follow the show @mindfullifechanges and DM a question or comment about the life transitions you're going through too. I might answer your question in one of the episodes to help you and other midlifers navigate this everchanging and beautiful season of life.

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Connect with me on LinkedIn @valeriemekki

Speaker 1:

Today's affirmation saying no is not a bad reflection, but a positive light I shine on myself. In this podcast, I often suggest setting boundaries, limiting your distractions and focusing your energy on what truly matters the most. These are well-intended suggestions aimed at enhancing your mental well-being and mindfulness practices. However, if you aren't comfortable with saying no to others, or even to yourself, you will never fully achieve the inner peace you desire or truly embrace self-care. On the flip side, if the act of saying no causes you stress and instantly creates feelings of guilt, it becomes a no-win situation. You're left unhappy when you say yes to something you don't want to do, and yet saying no makes you feel as if you're doing something wrong or letting someone down. Think of today's episode as your training arena on how to master the art of saying no. Consider this a safe place to rewire your responses, where you'll learn to communicate your needs thoughtfully and with compassion, and without feeling guilt. Hello and welcome to the Mindful Life Changes podcast, where we dive deep into the challenges and transformations shaping our lives, from shifts in our roles at home and work to the transitions we navigate physically and mentally as we gracefully age.

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I'm your host, valerie Mechie, a career change guide and mindfulness enthusiast. Setting boundaries and reserving your energy for things that matters most to you requires saying no to people. For many, myself included, this can be challenging. Yet you may be entering into a stage in your life where everyone and everything needs your attention, feeling like the weight of the world is resting on your shoulders, providing for your family, raising kids, possibly caring for an aging parent, managing your business or career the list goes on and on With so many facets of your life demanding your attention.

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Saying no isn't just a way to prioritize your responsibilities. It's necessary to prevent burnout. However, why do we often feel a twinge of guilt or shame when we say no to others, even when we didn't want to do it in the first place? There are various reasons that can trigger guilt from saying no, but I'll only highlight two that are particularly significant for midlifers identity as the caregiver or provider of the family, and people-pleasing. Many of us were raised with the idea that being helpful and accommodating is a virtue or part of our cultural upbringing. By the time we reach midlife, we may have carved out identities as the reliable one, take-care-of-it-all person or the fixer. These nicknames often weave into our roles as parents, managers at work or even within our family dynamics. Doing everything for everyone else around you becomes a core of your identity, deeply ingrained in who you are. So when saying no to requests for help or additional responsibilities, it can feel like a betrayal of this identity.

Speaker 1:

You might worry that by saying no, you appear less caring or dependable. Feelings of guilt may stem from internal conflicts about how you may be perceived or what others may think of you. People-pleasing is another trait that many midlifers have grown into. According to a 2022 poll by YouGov, 52% of the US adults surveyed said they can't say no when someone asks for something, and 66% will go at great lengths to avoid conflict. This desire to please others and avoid conflict often stems from the fear of rejection or a deep-seated need to be liked and approved by others. People pleasers worry that saying no will lead to disappointment, strained relationships or cause others to view them unfavorably. So we've identified two underlying issues the fear of looking bad and the fear of disappointing others. It's no wonder we've been struggling to say no. These are heavy and complicated fears, and each will take time to detangle and work through.

Speaker 1:

However, a good place to start is by giving yourself what I like to call a graceful time out. This means, instead of instantly saying yes, as you normally might, you ask for time to think it over before you make your final decision. Here are some graceful prompts to buy yourself some time and space to think. Someone asks you to do something. You can say let me take a look at my schedule and I'll get back to you, or I can't give an answer to you at this very moment, can't wait until? Or how about moment Can I wait until? Or how about? Sounds interesting. When do you need an answer? With these prompts, technically, you aren't saying no immediately, yet you're not giving in to your people-pleasing tendencies. Either You're allowing yourself time to think about what you want to do, weigh the requests against your other priorities priorities or assess the sensibility of the commitment. This may sound silly, but consider writing down these responses, memorizing them like a script, and practice saying these prompts out loud to yourself so you can get used to hearing and saying them.

Speaker 1:

The only way of changing a bad habit is to replace it with a good one. Now that you have the prompts for a graceful time out, you can carefully and thoughtfully consider your options. Begin this process by asking yourself these three introspective questions, or how I like to call this exercise, the three I questions. Exercise the three I questions. Number one is this something I want to spend time on? This question helps clarify if the activity aligns with your personal goals and interests. It encourages you to prioritize your time with something meaningful and important to you completely, rather than saying yes to save face. Number two if I say yes to this, what am I saying no to instead? This question forces you to consider opportunities cost. Every yes is a no to something else, whether it's personal time, another commitment or an opportunity for self-care another commitment or an opportunity for self-care. This simple question helps shine a light on what you're giving up instead. Number three if I'm considering saying yes, is it for the right reasons? This question prompts you to reflect on your motivations. Are you saying yes out of guilt, fear of missing out or genuinely interest? It encourages you to make decisions based on genuine desire or benefit, rather than external pressures or misplaced obligations.

Speaker 1:

Mastering the art of saying no and understanding the reasons behind your decision can be extremely liberating and rewarding for your self-growth. However, mastery doesn't happen in a single session or overnight. It will take time and practice, even with the smallest requests, to build competence and confidence over your people-pleasing tendencies or define peace with your evolving identity. With that in mind, let's seize this moment with an empowering affirmation session. This will help us to no longer view saying no as a shameful or guilt-ridden act, but a positive act of self-love and care. We'll start our affirmation practice by priming your mind and body so you'll be open to this affirmation. Take a deep cleansing breath in and out.

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I'll begin by reciting the affirmation twice. When you listen to the affirmations, imagine you're writing this down on a whiteboard or you're watching someone write it on the board for you. This will help with memorization. So let's begin board for you. This will help with memorization. So let's begin.

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Saying no is not a bad reflection, but a positive light I shine on myself. Saying no is not a bad reflection, but a positive light I shine on myself. I'll repeat this affirmation again, but this time I want you to repeat it out loud to yourself so you can make a connection. Saying no is not a bad reflection, but a positive light I shine on myself. I'll repeat the affirmation again and once the feeling of saying yes to yourself, something you treasure, or something that takes priority over the request Embrace this feeling at this moment. I'll repeat this affirmation again and imagine yourself in action in full color. Saying no is not a bad reflection, but a positive light I shine on myself. I'll repeat it one last time and give you a moment to let it sink in. I'll repeat it one last time and give you a moment to let it sink in.

Speaker 1:

Saying no is not a bad reflection, but a positive light I shine for myself. When you're ready, slowly open your eyes. If you have them closed and if it feels comfortable to you, place your hand over your heart to help seal in this affirmation practice with self-love and care. This affirmation is yours to recite and practice for 21 days at least once a day. It's most effective before you go to bed at night or when waking up in the morning before you start your day. To deepen your affirmation practice, consider making your affirmation sticky. Write the affirmation down on a sticky note and place it on your bathroom mirror or your laptop as a daily reminder that you are capable of saying no to others and things without compromising your self-care and worth. There is no better way to develop a healthy habit than by setting yourself up for success.

Speaker 1:

Subscribe to this podcast and bookmark this episode so you'll have it handy whenever you need a quick guide to this affirmation, helping you continue to build healthy happiness. If you found this episode helpful, please share it with a friend, who may be looking for an empowering affirmation to overcome their people-pleasing tendencies. Or show your appreciation by giving us a rating wherever you're listening. Your support will help midlifers discover our content, allowing this podcast to grow and flourish. Thank you for sharing this time and space with me. Every moment you dedicate to being mindful is a step towards a more fulfilled and vibrant life. Keep embracing your midlife journey with an open heart and remember you're not alone in this. I look forward to our next mindful gathering. I'll talk to you soon.